My best friend's daughter today won the
Gymnastics State Championship in New Jersey, USA. She was so incredibly
happy and proud of her daughter and by extension so was I. I bragged to all my friends that my best
friend’s daughter was the champion... Simply because I knew her journey to this
place. It has taken incredible commitment on the part of her and her husband.
Committing to this sport is not just a lot of dollars( A lot!!), but a hell a lot of
commitment in terms of one's personal time and effort. It is literally blood,
sweat and tears. To hold a full time job, come home from work and
chauffeur your child three times a week to the gym for a 3 hour practice
session....try to get your grocery shopping done in that time, run a few errands -Return at 9pm, feed your kid, check for homework emergencies of the other kid! ,
read to the child at night (can’t skip on the mental development can we ??) and
then collapse onto your bed…. Only to rise at 5:30 am and begin the drill all
over again. I am very proud of my friend, Tiger mom A.
But Tiger moms are getting a bad rap these days. Some may call me one too. There are many versions of tiger parenting. And of course there are always extremes in every situation. “Over scheduling” “Robbing their childhood” “Pressurising” are some of the words tiger parents have to hear . It is very easy for the … let’s call them “
Chilled out” moms to put themselves on a pedestal and berate the tiger moms. The amount of thought and effort that tiger moms put into
their children’s lives is huge. They set
aside their comforts- driving in the traffic, in the snow.. Waking up super
early to chauffeur the kids to practice…
making the child practice when they are not particularly feeling up to
it..incentivising, bribing, threatening.... because children will be children. These moms ( and I use the term moms
loosely to mean a parent) are constantly looking at ways to give their
children the best opportunities at the cost of their own relaxation, leisure or
free time. Their lives revolve around their children . All those opportunities
that they did not have or could not afford , they want to give their children.
It takes 10,000 hours for one to become
an expert at something. Research has shown that piano virtuosos are not those
who have the talent but those who put in
the hours. To recognize that your child has the ability and to get them to that point cannot be done without the passionate commitment of a parent. Every child needs to be goaded onto that tipping point where practice meets passion and they can take off on their own wings. We have seen
enough spelling bee competitions on tv to witness the winner’s parent mouthing
the spelling along with the child or knowing , even as the word is being asked whether their child knows it or not. Only a parent
who has been there will know how incredibly frustrating and impossible it is to
get a child to do something that they are not interested in. Children… will be
children. And yet, instead of watching
their favourite TV show or going shopping, tiger moms sit with their kids as
they practice.. coz they believe that their child has the spark to excel at it.
When one is a child, the brain is fresh and
young and the body is nimble and adaptable. Roller skating, swimming, skiing –
only an adult who has tried to learn these things at a later stage in life
knows how incredibly difficult it is to learn these skills without injury as an adult . If your child has shown a musical inclination, then yes tiger moms will
want to chauffeur them to the best teacher in town- give them the best
opportunity. Since when is that a crime ?
If the parents who do nothing that is beyond their zone of comfort believe
for a second that these parents don’t hold the happiness of their children above
everything else, they are deluding themselves. But.. honestly I don’t care for
your delusions. But don’t judge me.. don’t tell me I am over scheduling my
children, don’t snort derisively when I am chauffeuring my child around when believe
me, I would also like nothing better on a Saturday morning than to kick back
with a nice novel and a hot cup of coffee on my balcony enjoying the
sunshine. I don’t care what your idea of
raising children is , but today, when my child can listen to her favourite pop
song and play it immediately on the piano and revel in her music, I know, I have
done good by her. When her self esteem gets kicked up a few notches when she is
called upon to perform on stage , I know I have done good by her. When my son
wins a trophy for sports and comes home beaming a champion, I know I have done good by
him. Everything in life takes effort.
And to each his own. If you believe in doing nothing, Do nothing. Just don't judge me.
Very well written piece, Navina. Made me think about where I stand. Firstly, on the people who judge. Some people will judge because, well, they judge. That’s who they are. But there are a lot of people who might seem to be judging but it actually is their defence mechanism to address their feeling of inadequacy. In judging, is it as much about convincing themselves that their path is right, as it is about telling you that yours isn’t. Therefore, in many cases, their judgement is actually an endorsement of what you are doing ! Ok, so much for human psychology.
ReplyDeleteAs for being a tiger parent, I personally am somewhere between a do-nothing and tiger. I don’t have a view on which extreme is better – whatever works for you and your children. But there are a couple of things that I feel we might need to guard against when it comes to tiger parenting. One is living our dreams vicariously through our children, and putting pressure on them. Not fair to them. Secondly, children at a young age can respond to a tremendous amount of stimuli and hone their talent in multi-dimensional ways. Make them practice music, sports, dance and drama and chances are that they will become better than average at all of them. And when you see them respond, you tend to do more and that can lead to more pressure. It becomes important for the parent to very consciously draw a line somewhere. I use the example of a doctor in private practice as a metaphor. The longer he works, the more money he makes. And the lesser holidays he takes, the more money he makes. Therefore the fact the ‘more time working means more money’ can’t be a reason to work like a machine. Similarly, the more activities a child does, or the more time he/she spends on them will equip the child with more/stronger skills. The question to which everybody has a different answer is, where do you draw the line. Do-nothings and tiger parents and everyone in between has a different view on where the line should be, and that’s the basis of this debate.
Lastly, when you talk about the sacrifices you make to time for their activities, the only definite conclusion is that you value their development and well-being over your personal comfort and needs. It doesn’t necessarily mean that WHAT you make your children do is correct. It would be incorrect to equate your sacrifice to the correctness of your decision. They are different things.
Navina, I know this seems very critical and the intent wasn’t that all. I am just sharing the way I feel about the issue.
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ReplyDeleteRavneet, Thanks for your honest opinion. I totally agree with the whole Tiger parenting thing being a spectrum. I myself am not an extremist and place great value on my children going out and playing , even over doing homework which i believe can be done after coming home from play, when it is no longer light outside. And yes, you are right. My sacrifices reflect nothing about what is good for them. It only shows that I am ready to do it for them. Ultimately, really every parent hopes to do good for their children and there are no guarantees of any outcomes. That being said, it is also true that some are prepared to stress themselves out more towards that cause while others not so much. Right or Wrong.So it was more of a personal rant against people who were judging those who were making a greater effort, which seemed rather unfair.. Don't you think?
ReplyDeleteThank you Navina! Last week has been a battle with my girl. Everything I say no to and everything I insisted she did properly, brought forth tears and tantrums and title of mean mommy. Daddy wants me to relax the rules and not talk it out with her. I so want to hang up the towel several times a day, but that is not parenting
ReplyDeletetiger mom you are surely giving a sizzling competition to chill moms. There s just a thin line between pressurizing or shinning a kid s talent , and no better person than mom can visualize it. So outsiders views anyways don't matter. Go ahead and learnt a lot from this piece. .. All the Best
ReplyDeleteGood piece Navins. Yes, most parents are becoming tiger moms. Some even looking at the others and feeling inadequate.
ReplyDeleteBut if you really look at the word Tiger in the Tiger mom-its meant for agressiveness. But at the same time, when the molly coddling is over, the Tigress (its the female, obviously which takes care of the young) lets the cubs go into the world--they have to fend for themselves. But in our human context do we do that? Kids even though become adults and put forth their views, we parents have a hard time adjusting or even accepting that. For eg-I hope you have seen the New Maggie ad with Mom and daughter---how the mom is sarcastic about her daughters independence.
In our childhood our parents were Tiger moms too...only that they wanted us to focus only in studies and every parent wanted their kid to be the first in class. We did not have so many opportunites for extra curricular activities except Cricket, few other games, dance and singing. Our schools did not have an International tag line attached.
When as kids we wanted to do something which was opposite to our parents views, the "I did so much for you, you can't even do this for us?" monologue starts. We swore then that we would never do that to our kids. But I see the same story repeating itself generation after generation.
As an adult, a couple consciously brings a child into the world....ok for some it would have been due to pressure from family. But then, a child is a huge responsibility and parents will have to do anything to keep that kid safe, comfortable and them the best. If they cannot handle or do that, I would say they have no right to bring another life into this world and make them suffer. Well, there are parents who are labourers,construction workers etc who want more children..more hands on deck means more
money coming into the family-by sending their kids to work. Education, health, safety etc are not their primary concern. But can we say they are not parents?
Whatever a parent does-a tleast we youngsters of this generation have a moral responsibility towards our kids-NOT to do the same mistake our parents did, by pointing all that they have done for us. Guilt tripping and shaming has to be stopped. Yes, we can wish they excel in everything. We sacrifice everything we have to put them in 5 classes,herd them around everywhere..but let that not become an excuse to not spend quality time with them. We should be able to understand when the child does not want to do it anymore and maybe wants to concentrate on only 1 out of the 5 activities he is being herded to.
We cannot use all this on our children to say we did all this for you. Our children will do it for theirs. It's goes forward.
Sorry for the long comment--leaving with just a quote
"Its not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself" ~ Joyce Maynard
https://thoughtsrantsrambles.wordpress.com/
Padma, Rekha thank you for your comments.
ReplyDeleteLiju, thank you for that perspective. Really, you should start another blog besides your food blog ! Some really good insights. And yes.. totally agree that it is a constant process of evolution.. of learning and growing and shaping each other. Loved the quote at the end !
ReplyDeleteI am not one to judge. Every parent has their own way of working with their child. I appreciate the effort the parents take to give their child various opportunities to flourish. However one must understand that they a child is a child after all and goes through various phases and may suddenly decide to change course. It is at this time that the parents are tested and one should understand and continue to allow the child to grow.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest regret to date is not having had formal training in music during the school days - not even Mridangam! :( All the formal training - Singing, Bharatnatyam was reserved for my one and only sister! Sigh!
ReplyDeleteRemember telling my Mom after I first listened to Colonial Cousins - that I wish I had been given formal training during my school days. Well...
I have been goading my friends, cousins and siblings to get their kids into Music at a young age and feel thrilled when these kids play songs I always wanted to play or in some cases, songs that we played on stage.
Music helps to calm ones nerves and overcome stress. Sports (or even Music competitions) helps one to develop not just skills, but understand the need to work hard however talented one may be - in order to achieve success. Sometimes, I look back and wonder how I managed to put together a team of amateurs that - after working hard for a year and half - won almost every inter-collegiate competition in Chennai over the next three years!
So, the sacrifices you are making now, will help your kids grow up into confident individuals who can face the challenges that life has in store for them. Take a bow! :)
Well done Tiger Mom!
ReplyDeleteYou do what you have to do and what seems right to you for your kids. People will judge even if you don't do a thing! If ones life is based on other peoples
approval /disapproval then where is the persons individuality? Is it based on other people opinions? I think not! What matters is doing what feels good! When the trophy comes home, it does feels pretty darn good! :)
Every parent always wants the best for their children, helping them to achieve accolades is no crime. What matters at the end of the day when you tuck your child in bed is you know you are lucky to be so blessed with such a remarkable gift whose future you shape the way YOU want.
Thank you Rajni, Deven and Art Wizard :)
ReplyDeleteYes it is crime especially when their child is not able to do something due to medical condition Or some other reason.
ReplyDeleteYes it is crime especially when their child is not able to do something due to medical condition Or some other reason.
ReplyDelete