No pressure

Many of us struggle with the 'Keeping up with the Jones' ' syndrome. This does not seem to be restricted to any country or culture and seems to be a fairly uniform phenomenon across the globe. The neighbour's BMW, his pool in the backyard, her double door fridge, big screen TV ... we are constantly on the drive to the next big thing- Ipod, Itouch, Iphone , Ipad, Ibroke... Being on the cutting edge is expensive and the satiation is temporary... we are constantly egged on by those around us, consciously or sub-consciously to constantly 'upgrade'.

Which is why it is refereshing when one is in the company of people who are grounded. Who are clear about what makes them happy in life... who don't care for badges, brands, status symbols. I can feel a change in the energy around me when I am with these people- Relaxed, calm, happy with the way things are... so I guess it is important to surround ourselves with the right kind of people....people who are not engaging in any kind of race towards anything...It requires a conscious decision to detach from the toxic. Even if we cannot do it all the time, it is great to hang out with these people- it feels like a breath of fresh air that cleanses the lungs-like the sweep of a broom that cleanses the cobwebs from your brain... we have got to surround ourselves with positive, grounded people.

Parenting

When we were growing up, our parents considered it their responsbility to feed us, clothe us and educate us. Period. My friend jokes that when her father(father of 3) was asked which grade his kids were in, he always used to give a range - 3rd or 4th grade- 7th or 8th grade.

Today Parenting seems a lot more onerous . Or have we made it that way ? Starting with the process of choosing a really unique name :) Regular Meenakshis and Kamakshis won't do -My mom complains that she is unable to remember anybody's child's name these days and my father in law kept calling my son "Krishnamoorthy" for a few days because he could not remember what we had named him. Then we move on to finding the best system to educate one's child in preschool - Montessori or Goddard and then we progress to decide amongst CBSE/ICSE/IB/IGCSE . Our parents were good with - 'Hey, this school is the closest to our home - here you go'. Then there is the slew of extra curricular activities- Karate or Taekwondo, Bharatnatyam or Ballet, Piano or violin, Drawing or Pottery, Tennis or Cricket, Abacus or Kumon. Hmm... my son seems to be showing some talent for cricket... IPL possibilities ? My daughter is good at piano.. maybe I should put her in AR Rahman's academy ?

Ofcourse every parent is proud of his or her methodology- "I am very proud that I don't try to schedule my kids at all - they do what they like to do" says one . " I believe in giving my kids exposure to multiple things so that they can figure out what they are interested in"says another. There is a wide range.

So what is it that makes 'most of ' today's parents so intensely passionate about their children? About researching every cough/sniffle on Webmd -about researching every school , sport, hobby... what is it that makes us way more involved/insane? Is it because today most of us have one or two kids - People who have 3 have become an abberation in India's metros :) So we have a lot more bandwidth ? Gadgets, cooks , maids , more dispensable income, have made our lives infinitely easier, so the project on hand , our kids, are getting a lot of attention?.Somebody once said that kids have become the honour badges that parents today seek to wear :)

Are we working extra hard to make sure that our unrealized childhood dreams have a second chance? Or are we giving our children, the gift of a fantastic childhood replete with endless possibilities and countless dreams?

Our cultural superiority

So there is this video that was shared by somebody on FB. Nicely taken video. It was like a Maniratnam movie, the end caption being 95% of marriages in India are arranged. The divorce rate in India is 5% . WTF !! Yes it was like a Maniratnam movie- Beautifully taken and very illogical. The video was trying to imply that divorce rates in India are low BECAUSE OF arranged marriages. We think we have a superior culture because of our system of arranged marriages and low divorce rates ? I am not for one moment supporting or decrying either system of getting married. Marriages in either methods have gone down the toilet and marriages through either methods have been successful - And ofcourse I am sure most of us qualify any marriage that has not ended in divorce to be a successful one. Many women in India are staying married only because of social taboos. Some stay because of the children. No matter how abusive or incompetent and utterly useless your spouse is- drunks, philanderers- women put up with these scoundrels because they know they will not be accepted into their parents' family, considered a burden , or simply do not have the financial werewithal to walk out of these marriages which erode their soul every single day . Oh yes, we have to be very proud of our divorce rates.

We Indians should be proud of our heritage. We should be proud of our culture. It makes it hard in the midst of being scammed from all sides . It makes it hard to believe in the country. But, still we need to focus on what the hell we want to be proud of. . There is a sense of moral superiority in India when it comes to culture. We believe we are 'better' than the west . Morally superior. Portrayed especially in the 'item' numbers in all the indian movies , which most of us squirm to watch with our children in the same room - All these 'item' numbers with their suggestive lyrics are part of movies that are promoted as being 'family' entertainers. Many of these would qualify for mild porn. Women dancing in fancy bra and panties has become very 'normal' to watch in living rooms. Our sensitivity has eroded over time. I was watching a south indian movie show the other day and found that all the participants are in tuxedos and gowns . So what IS this culture of ours that we are proud off? Do we even know any more? Is it our food? Is it our clothes? What is this Indian culture any more? What is it that we are exactly proud of and consider ourselves superior to the west?

Am I good enough Daddy?

As young children we want to please our parents. Until we turn 13. Then we want to please our friends, but we still seek approval from our parents about our academic choices. Then we want to please our boss, but still seek approval from our parents on the career path that we have chosen. Then we want to please our boyfriend/girlfriend but seek approval from our parents of the spouse we have chosen. Then we have kids and seek approval from our parents that we are being 'good enough' parents. I wonder if kids seek parental approval only from authoritarian parents or does it apply to laissez faire parents too?. Actually I do have personal first hand experience observing both styles and I don't think it makes one bit of a difference.Do parents even realize the kind of subconscious hold they have over their children?.

Parents , atleast Indian parents have a PHd in guilt tripping (Though I am told Italian parents have similar traits), and do have a significant influence in our lives. Like it or not, grown up or not, at some level , we constantly seek to appease, gratify, satisfy, delight them in some way.

I am one amongst the hundreds/thousands of Dubai returned/US returned/UK returned desis. 'We have come home because our parents are getting old' is a very common reason I hear from these folks. Is this uniquely Indian? But here, I should also comment that I know for a fact that there is a significant population hiding outside this country, only to stay away from family politics.

Do Indian parents specifically deserve this exalted status because they supposedly do 'more' for their children? Agreed, monetarily desi parents shell out a lot more in education all the way from kindergarten to a Masters degree and make it a priority too. Parents stand in line to get that esteemed school admission, to get that Visa to study abroad, to get that coveted comic.....Since nothing comes free in life, is this feeling of perennial indebtedness a 'goody bag' return gift for that?

We want it all..

Do you work? somebody asks.

No, I don't work, I reply.

That response does not sit well with me. I am instantly feeling judged. Might be unwarranted.I am feeling a bit unimportant. Am I? A good friend of mine commented that I should be punished for getting an MBA because I had taken away somebody else's opportunity and then thrown it away. Is my MBA an utter waste just because I had quit my corporate life?

Circumstances led me to be a Stay at home mom(SAHM). It was not a conscious choice. However, in retrospect it was probably the best thing that happened to me and my kids and I would like to think my husband too. He has had the opportunity to pursue his career unfettered. He does not have to think twice before going for a conference, going to watch the world cup in the West Indies or going out for a drink with work buddies. No questions asked. I had nowhere to go. I am a stay at home mom.

So I wanted to get out and do something for myself. I wanted to be somebody. I wanted a life. A life beyond dirty diapers, dirty dishes and tv shows. In a way yes, the housewife is on a permanent vacation. She has no deadlines to keep, no projects to complete. Or maybe it is just that I am no Martha stewart and house keeping and crocheting just don't excite me. But every vacation needs a beginning and an end or else it stops being a vacation.

So I got my Masters in Education after being a SAHM for 6 years. My younger child was 2 years old. I was proud to have breastfed him for that period of time. But now it was time for me to move on to do something for myself. I was in the US of A and a degree in education sounded like a good idea. It was a slog. Two kids, travelling husband and bleary winters do not make for an easy journey. Throw in an Indian teacher into the heart of white Minnesota and things were interesting. I was proud of my accomplishment. Whenever people asked me what I was doing, it felt good to say, "I am pursuing a Masters in Education". It sounded a helluva lot better than, “I am not working”. Though I do personally know a few women who decided to go back to work after trying the SAHM routine for a couple of months and deciding that it was too hard. But during that time, I felt I barely saw my kids. I was overloaded with homework and lesson plan preparation, I hardly had time to just enjoy my kids and I missed that. I found myself growling a lot more and being nasty because I was creaking under the pressure of the dozen deadlines that I had to keep.

Women... we want it all. We want to be educated, talented, 'kinda' attractive, 'considered' intelligent, accomplished.. and we also want to be good mothers, spice ,interior decorators, housekeepers.... the list is endless. At some point, we make decisions that determine the trajectory that our lives take. The proverbial grass always looks greener on the other side. Working women are envious of the stay at home mom who shoos off her kids and spouse and sits down to drink a good cup of coffee in peace... the home maker is jealous of her counterpart who wears fancy suits and goes to 'conferences' in exotic locations. Both probably had the same education, but made very different choices. Is anybody completely happy with the choices that they make?