Am I good enough Daddy?

As young children we want to please our parents. Until we turn 13. Then we want to please our friends, but we still seek approval from our parents about our academic choices. Then we want to please our boss, but still seek approval from our parents on the career path that we have chosen. Then we want to please our boyfriend/girlfriend but seek approval from our parents of the spouse we have chosen. Then we have kids and seek approval from our parents that we are being 'good enough' parents. I wonder if kids seek parental approval only from authoritarian parents or does it apply to laissez faire parents too?. Actually I do have personal first hand experience observing both styles and I don't think it makes one bit of a difference.Do parents even realize the kind of subconscious hold they have over their children?.

Parents , atleast Indian parents have a PHd in guilt tripping (Though I am told Italian parents have similar traits), and do have a significant influence in our lives. Like it or not, grown up or not, at some level , we constantly seek to appease, gratify, satisfy, delight them in some way.

I am one amongst the hundreds/thousands of Dubai returned/US returned/UK returned desis. 'We have come home because our parents are getting old' is a very common reason I hear from these folks. Is this uniquely Indian? But here, I should also comment that I know for a fact that there is a significant population hiding outside this country, only to stay away from family politics.

Do Indian parents specifically deserve this exalted status because they supposedly do 'more' for their children? Agreed, monetarily desi parents shell out a lot more in education all the way from kindergarten to a Masters degree and make it a priority too. Parents stand in line to get that esteemed school admission, to get that Visa to study abroad, to get that coveted comic.....Since nothing comes free in life, is this feeling of perennial indebtedness a 'goody bag' return gift for that?

We want it all..

Do you work? somebody asks.

No, I don't work, I reply.

That response does not sit well with me. I am instantly feeling judged. Might be unwarranted.I am feeling a bit unimportant. Am I? A good friend of mine commented that I should be punished for getting an MBA because I had taken away somebody else's opportunity and then thrown it away. Is my MBA an utter waste just because I had quit my corporate life?

Circumstances led me to be a Stay at home mom(SAHM). It was not a conscious choice. However, in retrospect it was probably the best thing that happened to me and my kids and I would like to think my husband too. He has had the opportunity to pursue his career unfettered. He does not have to think twice before going for a conference, going to watch the world cup in the West Indies or going out for a drink with work buddies. No questions asked. I had nowhere to go. I am a stay at home mom.

So I wanted to get out and do something for myself. I wanted to be somebody. I wanted a life. A life beyond dirty diapers, dirty dishes and tv shows. In a way yes, the housewife is on a permanent vacation. She has no deadlines to keep, no projects to complete. Or maybe it is just that I am no Martha stewart and house keeping and crocheting just don't excite me. But every vacation needs a beginning and an end or else it stops being a vacation.

So I got my Masters in Education after being a SAHM for 6 years. My younger child was 2 years old. I was proud to have breastfed him for that period of time. But now it was time for me to move on to do something for myself. I was in the US of A and a degree in education sounded like a good idea. It was a slog. Two kids, travelling husband and bleary winters do not make for an easy journey. Throw in an Indian teacher into the heart of white Minnesota and things were interesting. I was proud of my accomplishment. Whenever people asked me what I was doing, it felt good to say, "I am pursuing a Masters in Education". It sounded a helluva lot better than, “I am not working”. Though I do personally know a few women who decided to go back to work after trying the SAHM routine for a couple of months and deciding that it was too hard. But during that time, I felt I barely saw my kids. I was overloaded with homework and lesson plan preparation, I hardly had time to just enjoy my kids and I missed that. I found myself growling a lot more and being nasty because I was creaking under the pressure of the dozen deadlines that I had to keep.

Women... we want it all. We want to be educated, talented, 'kinda' attractive, 'considered' intelligent, accomplished.. and we also want to be good mothers, spice ,interior decorators, housekeepers.... the list is endless. At some point, we make decisions that determine the trajectory that our lives take. The proverbial grass always looks greener on the other side. Working women are envious of the stay at home mom who shoos off her kids and spouse and sits down to drink a good cup of coffee in peace... the home maker is jealous of her counterpart who wears fancy suits and goes to 'conferences' in exotic locations. Both probably had the same education, but made very different choices. Is anybody completely happy with the choices that they make?