Parents , atleast Indian parents have a PHd in guilt tripping (Though I am told Italian parents have similar traits), and do have a significant influence in our lives. Like it or not, grown up or not, at some level , we constantly seek to appease, gratify, satisfy, delight them in some way.
I am one amongst the hundreds/thousands of Dubai returned/US returned/UK returned desis. 'We have come home because our parents are getting old' is a very common reason I hear from these folks. Is this uniquely Indian? But here, I should also comment that I know for a fact that there is a significant population hiding outside this country, only to stay away from family politics.
Do Indian parents specifically deserve this exalted status because they supposedly do 'more' for their children? Agreed, monetarily desi parents shell out a lot more in education all the way from kindergarten to a Masters degree and make it a priority too. Parents stand in line to get that esteemed school admission, to get that Visa to study abroad, to get that coveted comic.....Since nothing comes free in life, is this feeling of perennial indebtedness a 'goody bag' return gift for that?
If it helps in building stronger family bonds then I am all for it.. and personally I feel parents don't do all what they do for us with a payback in mind - most of the parents of our generation are financially well provided for - thru pension, savings etc.. what they itch for is the company of their grandkids at a yelling/commutable distance... notice i say grandkids and not kids - thats how the priority is atleast in my family :)
ReplyDeleteEven today for when I am in a dilemma of what action i should take, I stop to think what will amma think or what will my paati think. They by no means are going to know and by no means even care or are aware. Also, in no way were my parents strict or had specific expectations from me, but that thought process that they have inculcated in me subconsciously is what i am thankful for because it has made me choose the right decision by me acting as my own Devils Advocate. My parents do not expect anything from me but I am would be grateful if I can be of any use to them and as Sunita pointed about I am all for the stronger family bonds. I see in this country how little a bond there is and how children fend for themselves and how parents when they are old are barely ever tended to.
ReplyDeletehought provoking.
ReplyDeleteI dont think parents plan to expect any returns when they bring up kids. But I can see that the expectations start at old age.
I really cant make up my mind, if it is any fault of theirs or the children's. Going with the flow I guess, is an easier way to deal with it.
Guilt tripping / Approval from parents - Yes totally Indian, possibly strongly South Indian too...
very well written Navina.It's what most women go thru in life at 1 point of time or other.Whatever the choice is,I guess u can't keep hammering urself that u shudve done otherwise.As u put it,the grass is always greener on the other side.hats off to all the women who juggle home & work so well.But as far as personal experience goes Im glad i stayed at home..many wud say it career suicide,waste of experience...I thot wats the use of running after a salary when u only get to say a Hi/Bye to hubby & family & are too tired for anything else.it's each one's personal choice and as long as they don't feel guilty abt it,its fine.Otherwise,we can't do justice to either career or home.
ReplyDeleteYes, why should we worry about parents? As an Indian living in America, I am painfully aware of what my parents haven't done for me - vacations to nice places, funded time-off from college for 1 year so I can go traveling around the world, good real estate that I can inherit and some sort of trust fund. In fact, the more I go through life, the more I realize that my parents didn't work hard as they should have to leave me something more!
ReplyDeleteAnswer is within you Navina, How would you want your kids to be when you get old. You stay home to care for your kids and feel cranky if you do not see them. So how should your parents feel if they don't see you.
ReplyDelete